No not a Take That song I’m afraid, but the amazing journey of self-discovery I began following the birth of bubba 2 and still continue. As I mentioned before I suffered with post-natal depression. Well that was a bundle of fun…. NOT.
It’s hard to describe the exact point you ‘catch it’ but when you are storming out of the house, in just PJs with your mobile phone and car keys in hand, over yet another ‘tiny incident’ that has caused you to lose your shit – Carrie style – you kind of know you have it. And I want to talk about it because, whilst thankfully I seem to have it under control, sure I get wobbles, but for the most part things are great.
Looking back I possibly didn’t develop PND until well after a month of bubba two being with born – there where tears of tiredness, the ‘blue day’ you are told about three days after you give birth and just general moodiness due to the inability to master breastfeeding this second time round–but this was all stuff you kind of expect and anticipate. In addition, because Daddy had helpfully taken a month off to be with us, due to my C-Section I was protected by a warm 2.4 family bubble for those few weeks. The second time round we had a little more of a clue and we where ACTUALLY sleeping when the children slept instead of sitting there staring in wonder at our bundle of joy…and sharing the load re chores, one of us could have the baby and the other could amuse our grumpy toddler.
So, when Daddy went back to work it was possibly the scariest feeling at the time and I just felt this overwhelming feeling of ‘I can’t cope with this shit’ and the black dog kicked in. I feel for my kids the most – they suddenly went from a loving family of 4 – to crazy bat shit mumma.
Of course you try to muddle through, and I went into crazy mum overdrive – emotions up and down like a rollercoaster I think I must have been exhausting to be around. I went from wanting to walk out on them both, screaming at them to sleep and locking myself in the toilet… to trying to boil the ocean for them.
Conscious my two year old has the green eyed monster of her mother, I over compensated. In every way possible, she was most spoiled two year old ever certainly, for those 6 months I was off – bloody Amazon one click! She also got to do everything she wanted to do and got away with murder essentially… because Mummy felt guilty she was having to look after a small helpless baby.
I remember one day, I hadn’t only been up with the baby three times in the night, but I baked cakes and colored AND painted with my toddler – AND she still wasn’t satisfied – meanwhile bubba 2 was lying on the sofa making as much noise as possible as it’s the only way she can get any attention at all. And it seemed whatever I did for either of them didn’t give me any joy or happiness either. Both my girls are happy go lucky on a good day but even that didn’t lift me – that’s when I knew I needed to get help.
So what’s all this got to do with spirits moving me… and not the boozy kind… it’s about the journey I have needed to take to feel like me again. A friend of mine recommended I go get my Chakra’s aligned – which at the time made me curious but after upping the meds and still not feeling any happiness or joy at the current time I was willing to try anything.
So off I went to meet with my ‘Life Alignment Therapist’ who read my star chart, helped me align my Chakra’s and enable me to connect with my soul. That was the start of my amazing journey into spiritualism. I actually felt during the session like my therapist had reached in and switched a light on inside me – and I was able to see joy and love and happiness around me. She told me her spirit guides had a lot to tell me and I was soon loaded down with crystals, flower remedies and aromatherapy oils to set me on a happier course.
This journey has only just started for me and I can honestly say I will be sharing more on that awakening as I go. What I can say, is I am feeling more aware, in tune than I ever have thanks to my therapist and some great authors whose books and teachings I am devouring currently.