Caution: Self depreciation post…
Ever had this? When you are so anxious you can’t move. All you can do is sit and stare and feel the tears roll down your face. When you panic to the point you can’t breathe and you freeze in one position for what feels like an age. This is me today – sat staring at my PC in the same clothes as yesterday, not being bothered to shower or wash my matted hair wondering what the hell happened this morning to make me feel like this.
Why am I anxious… so many reasons I can’t pin point…? Let’s start with the thankless tasks that rule our lives and when I feel like this get even harder to accomplish.
Like the constant demands physically, running up and down stairs 100 times to pick up that thing you forgot, getting there and forgetting again, making breakfast – 3 different ways – in the hope someone will eat it. To making dinner every night, tidying, more tidying because no one else knows how to put shit away, remembering to pass husband his mail and then forgetting and not knowing ‘when it arrived’.
To feeling anxious for my youngest who has moved down to the big kids floor at nursery. For giving her, her dummy when she hasn’t had it all day, having some else calls the shots regarding her routine, to waking up at 1am and taking the easy route after an hours incessant screaming. And being reprimanded for taking the easy route by the husband who has all the answers and is the perfect model parent.
To not knowing if you will have a job in 4 weeks, after being told my 8th boss in 7 years will be leaving and a new boss ‘a great guy who knows what he’s doing’ starts next week. After being told with insincerity and a voice reserved for silly people – ‘that you’ll be fine’, ‘You have nothing to worry about’ and then there’s money, the constant pressure to make it, not get in to debt, not spend it even with two birthdays and Christmas coming up, and then having to rationalize why ‘Amazons here AGAIN’.
Today is one of those days, today I am struggling with life.
I feel like my skin is too tight for my body, like I put on 100lbs over night, I feel lonely, and useless and like no one would actually notice if I quietly packed my bags and left. I have visions of husband and kids coming home and not noticing at all.
I know the pressure is all mine – and self-care is the solution. And self-care is great if you maintain it and integrate it into your life – but what if your life is already bursting at the seams what then?
I know that I ‘Should be happy’ – so why aren’t I?
There are worse situations I could be in… And I am grateful for everything I have – I count my blessings every single day but why isn’t it enough?
I am strong
I am here
I can and do make a difference
I am Mummy
I am Wife
Why do I feel fuck my life?